the afterlife

Suicide has been a recurring subject in my life lately, especially today. But I guess if we’re being honest, it has my whole life. It’s been an unspeakable shadow that hides most days but sometimes whispers and beckons to me when I find myself in the dark. The first time I was diagnosed with depression I was 12 years old. Twelve. At the time I was so depressed I was considering taking my own life. At twelve years old I had wanted my life to end before it had even begun. Hell, I’m barely feeling like I’m starting my life now at 23. And I don’t know how different life would be for my loved ones if I had gone through with it. I remember one night specifically standing in my kitchen holding a knife and just imagining how easy it’d be. What a chilling thought. And I thank God everyday that I didn’t do it. That I had told my best friend about it and I had managed to get help. To be honest I didn’t ask for help though. At such a young age I had wondered if what I was feeling was normal or that I could somehow “push through it”. But I couldn’t. My parents ended up finding a note I had written to my friend about how I wanted to end it all. They had never found or read any other notes I had written but they managed to find that one. I think that is one of the main things that makes me still believe in a higher power or serendipity or something because something wanted me to stay on earth. This ended up being more personal than I thought but I mostly just needed to vent because I know that maybe other people feel the same way or wondered about my history with this. Of course that’s not the end of my story. I went through a couple years of counseling and anti depressants before I was cleared to stop. Then at 17 I had to go back into counseling and again at 20. I’ve even been considering going back now but I am definitely better at managing it. I just need people to know that getting help even though it seems so terrifying and so isolating, it’s not. It will free you. It will give you a life you cannot even imagine because, as you know, living with depression isn’t any kind of life. At least not a satisfying one. I don’t know if this post will even help anyone but like I said I needed to vent. I don’t have many people in my life to talk to anymore, and that may be of my own doing but the people I do have left are great but I don’t want to wear them down all the time. I think I’m a hard person to be close to. I have a lot of feelings and not much of a filter. I’ll spill my heart and most of the time it’s not pretty. I’m just trying to be as open and honest as possible because well, life’s too short. I don’t want anyone to wonder about my feelings for them even if I wonder about theirs for me.

I love you all, please talk to me if you ever feel alone. I promise I’ll sit with you in the dark and hopefully get you to see some light.

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